being grateful.

mom wasn’t supposed to die. well, i mean i knew she would die eventually, but it wasn’t supposed to be now. we had plans. stuff to do. she was going to see my babies graduate high school and be around to watch me get another chance at love. not being able to call her or send silly little messages, and trying to accept this new reality has completely thrown me for a loop. i am shocked that the world continues to move and that people find reasons to laugh. i feel like a totally different person.

i now spend my day fighting off anxiety attacks, and my nights working towards putting the babies to bed and making my way down to the couch so i can breathe.

i can’t start anything new and i feel completely uneasy if i’m anywhere but on that couch. it has become my new safe place.

i dread being asked how i am because the answer is always the same. not great. i am dreaming of the day i feel normal again, but i also know that my new normal will most likely never feel anything like it used to. it is a new kind of heartbreak that is unimaginable and indescribable.

i was trying to explain to someone how it feels to be parentless. a friend said it best. it’s like being at the top of the mountain. no more shelter, no more protection. i am there, exposed and open and now i have to find a way to embody wisdom, knowledge, time and patience all on my own. there is no one above me. there is no turning back.

but amidst all of this sadness, there is gratitude. it is a strange thing to feel such despair and positive uplifting at the same time. i have truly never felt more kindness, warmth and pure affection. the people in my life have blown me away. i am abundant with love. i am rich in love. i am grateful for love.

as i sit and try to count my blessings, i feel arms wrapped around me from a hundred different places and i am reminded that sometimes the worst times are the times that count the most.

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