i have a friend that is obsessed with the idea of me in my 20s. he feels like it was a massive fail on the part of the planet to have us meet in our 30s, once we’d already had spouses and kids. we constantly joke about inventing a time machine. he knows exactly where he’d set the dial:
1994. phoenix night club. stumbling into me & my bff outside the bathroom.
it’s become banter that is kind of annoying to other people and absolutely hilarious to us. but more than that, it gets me to thinking. what if you actually could go back in time? would you? in light of the recent events of my life, the answer seems obvious.
can i dance one more dance with my dad and take back all the times i said no? i’d like that. can i change my mind and take the girls to florida because it’s all my mom wanted and i was forever too busy to make it happen? that’d be cool. and when i am particularly disappointed or mad at my ex-husband, i sometimes wish i’d never met him. but we all know how that one goes. without him, there’s no them. and that simply won’t do.
so it’s a bit of a pickle, isn’t it? would you change an event of your life if you knew it was all going to end the same way anyway? would you choose to relive the pain, the angst, the heartbreak, just to repeat one great moment in time?
i honestly don’t know. and i guess it doesn’t matter anyway, because here is now. wanting to repeat something or take something back means time spent living in the woulda’ coulda’ shoulda’ and that doesn’t seem like a very realistic place to set up camp.
so how do we stay present?
i know i’ve said it a thousand times before, but i think gratitude wins the day. being able to appreciate the things we have now, somehow reminds us that we’ve come from hard places for very specific reasons. things like making cool new tv shows and being around for that moment when the girls’ figure of speech morphs into mine. trying a new restaurant and receiving mail that isn’t just bills. crushing out on someone new and the butterflies that inevitably accompany that. finding amazing connections with new people that you never imagined you would ever meet…
come on. you can’t beat that shit.
so as much as i would love to have a do-over on a few things and a full second opportunity on a few others; i’m going to do my best to sit in the moments i’m presently being offered and be thankful for them.
time machine setting: right here. right now.