holding onto pain.

love sand

i’m the kind of person who holds onto hurt. when something has gone badly or someone has affected me in a negative way, i tend to keep a tight grip. i like to sit right in it, let it fill up around me and really feel it. i don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing, but i do believe there has to be a point when you’re willing to move on from it so that you can get to the other side.

after i’ve had a broken heart, it’s all too easy for me to not let someone new in. the fear of being disappointed again is enough to keep at least 3 walls up around me. as soon as it starts to feel like a real relationship, i retreat and offer up flimsy excuses as to why i can no longer show up. i’m convinced i’m saving myself but i’m really just being robbed of the opportunity to feel.

i would hold onto the pain because it felt like it kept the relationship present. if he saw i was happy and moving on then he would think i no longer wanted him. it felt like i was saying he wasn’t good enough. guess what. he wasn’t.

it was time to snap out of it. to realize my worth and recognize what i can offer to someone else. having a broken heart can be a blessing. seeing the true colours of a person allows you to get closer to what you really want and need. it doesn’t steal the experience, it enhances the new memories yet to be made.

since mom died, i have mostly been going through the motions. getting the girls up and off to school, then rushing home at the end of the day to make sure they’re fed and into bed. most days it feels like all i can do. their basic needs were being taken care of so i thought i was doing my job. but it occurred to me that just as i was missing my mom, they were starting to miss theirs. izzie realized that my mom ‘left’ and isn’t coming back. my 6 year old now knows that this can happen. parents leave and don’t return. except, i’m still here.

i was holding onto the pain because it felt like all i had left of her. i didn’t want to be happy. i didn’t want anyone to think i’d moved on from missing her. it felt like a disservice to my mom. i felt guilty when i was in a good mood.

it was time to come back. it doesn’t make my heartache any less real. having that kind of sadness can be a gift. i felt deeper than i ever have in my whole life. it doesn’t take from me, what i had with her. it reminds me to be present and move forward with the best of intentions and a heart full of love.

it’s ok to be sad. it’s ok to sit right in it and let it fill up around you. just try to stand up before it gets too high. because if you’re holding onto the pain too tightly, your arms won’t be free to grab what’s right in front of you.

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1 reply »

  1. Hi Jeni: you are such an amazing writer, mother and daughter.. the greatest gift you can give your mom, is to raise your girls with all the same love that she raised you with…she is watching over all of you, shining down in moments of happiness and brightening up moments of sadness….hold on tight to all the happiness you can find… sending you big hugs.. love angi xoxo
    PS: janny gave me one of your mom’s september china tea cups… thank you and Sheryl for including me in a little keepsake.. will treasure it always 🙂


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