you have to keep breaking your heart. until it opens. ~ rumi.
ok fine, i believe in the universe. i also believe in karma, the goodness of people, and love. i really believe in love. which, considering my relationship ups and downs, could come as a bit of a shock. you’d think my heart would have closed up by now. slammed the door. thrown on the deadbolt. but no, it has remained surprisingly open.
it could be that i am surrounded by so many amazing examples of adoration. it might be that my children have shown me its true meaning and therefore my heart feels full, as is. or maybe, just maybe, we humans are simply always in the mood for love.
i know that i’m the subject of many curious conversations. i know people wonder why i haven’t ‘settled down’ or met that special someone. i mean, i’m a catch, right?
after i got divorced, all my mom wanted was for me to find my next mate. i assured her time and time again that i was ‘fine’ and ‘i got this’, and she knew it to be true. she raised me to be super independent, obviously.
but our conversations always started with “soooo, seeing anyone?” bridget jones roared at the person that asked how her love life was. “… this is no longer a polite question to ask. we wouldn’t rush up to (couples) and ask, how’s your marriage going? still have sex?”
i myself, am guilty of this. people want nothing more than for their friends to be in love. it means they’re taken care of. they can be crossed off the list of things to worry about. being in love means you’re gonna’ be alright.
deep down, we all know that’s not totally true. but the reality is, we love the idea of love. because when you find someone to swoon over, it’s like no other feeling in the world. your step becomes lighter, your mood becomes sweeter. there’s a bright sunshine cartoon hanging over your head and hearty-eyed emoticons glued firmly onto your face. who’s going to argue with that?
but i also understand the urge to shut it all down. if you’ve been hurt – and i know we all have – you swear you’d rather pull out all your eyelashes over risking another broken heart. i’ve joked about hanging a ‘closed for business’ sign on my heart. because when you are sitting on the bottom of that well, you can’t possibly imagine that there could be someone who would make you want to get out. there is nothing quite like the pain of love lost.
but if i can sit unbiased for a moment, i can see that every single time i got hurt – or hurt someone – i came out the other side a new person. not necessarily better, but with a new outlook. i was able to see myself a little more clearly and gain the ability to dream a little larger. so maybe every tiny crack in your heart, means it’s opening to its fullest potential. because no matter what, the heart never forgets. it has the ability to repair itself and keep the good stuff close.
see, when you’ve had that feeling, it’s hard not to be a hopeless romantic. a believer in possibility. an open-hearted warrior for love.