school’s NOT out for summer.

mornings are hectic. plain and simple. but lately, they seem almost manic. the last of the school year always brings on that feeling of, when will it ever ENNDDDDD. the girls and i can’t seem to get it together. we are falling behind at a rapid rate. and once we do, the urgency with which it takes to get back on track, is beyond painful.

their slow, laborious wander from bathroom to bedroom to kitchen, is enough to make me go crazy. pyjamas still on way past the point of any kind of schedule. distractions. oh my lord, the distractions. in the past two weeks, i’ve stumbled upon:

paper fans being made, standing naked and fanning themselves with aforementioned paper fans, petting the cat, setting up a new cat area, counting out erasers, counting out money, lining up stuffed animals, piggybacking one another, comparing body parts, reading comic books, doing headstands, handstands and assisted backbends, staring out the window, staring at their closet, staring in the mirror at themselves. just standing and staring.

and it’s not just them. it’s me too. i can’t come up with one more lunch idea. not one. which seems crazy. i’ve already managed to crank out 156 thousand of them. why am i suddenly stumped. but i am. they aren’t that interested in eating and i’m not that interested in finding creative ways to make them change their minds. ham and cheese it is!

i don’t want to listen to the sound of the wheelie backpack being dragged down the street, i don’t want to sign their agendas, i don’t want to spray paint their heads for crazy hair day. i just don’t.

i forgot that i’m doing that thing where i get teachers to secretly sign ‘oh the places you’ll go’. so i once again have to organize that stealthy mission. i got the teacher gifts but forgot about the bus driver. and the crosswalk lady. and the librarian. and the reading buddy. and the lunchroom oversee-er.

our morning conversations are fairly non-existent. i think we’ve run out of things to say to each other. actually no, that’s just me. they have lots of words to share. ‘wait. mama. wait. so mama? just one thing. mama. wait.’


the payoff…? ‘we’re learning about bodies in school and tommy said penis.’ the answer in my head was, well GOOD for tommy. the answer outside my head was a robotic, that’s nice love.

i overheard this gem from a different floor:

izzie: when rosie dies, can we get a bunny?

lola: no! a puppy!

izzie: a puppy’s too much work.

lola: but bunnies stink.

izzie: you have to walk dogs.

lola: fine. then the bunny goes in my room.

izzie: no! it’s going in the living room.

lola: alright.

izzie: yay! we’re getting a bunny.

they’re not even consulting me anymore.

the fact is, we’re done. we’re ALL done. teacher’s have stopped teaching. learners have stopped learning. and this particular mom has all but completely stopped mom-ing. we are on hands and knees, crawling to the finish line. get. me. there.

although, i’m fairly certain, 2 days into summer break, i’ll miss our walks to the bus, i’ll want someone to send me a letter telling me how my kid is doing and i’ll wish there was something to hurry up for. the plight of every parent.

rest assured, i’ll still be serving up ham and cheese sandwiches.

4 replies »

  1. i just wanna hug you silly right now. even without having stemmed the unreal-huge-lifetime-achievement-task of having kids so far, i there stand, yeah rather crawl around my very own big sticky, heavy ball of “no-energy-for-work-bleeding-into-felt-unconsciousness-from-the-most-intense-heartbreaking-relationship-breakup-happeningrightrightnow-to-the-most-needed-soulsearch-hoping-to-finally-finding-the-last-bits-of-myself-oh-and-still-missing-toronto” … and within all the slick, still trying to get used to the it-finally-explaining-my-whole-life(-struggle) HS “diagnosis” which i hear is all along a blessing overall, yet (so far) daily still brings me to my knees, especially when e.g. feeling your very mama-exhaustion (though we’re “just” IG&writer pals and habe yet to meet for that chilled white wine/hot tea) as if it was my very own. but hey, yes … it IS a blessing … exactly for THAT deep, overwhelming feeling of empathy and connection and true caring:)

    therefore, once more … feel yourself hugged to the heart, the bone, the soul and know that you are thought of and cared about and that you never walk alone, even through the most painful days and hours that stink to the heavens because everyday life with all that it brings every day, IS just the most challenging grmpg$#@&* we ever struggle with. it is real. and hard. and a blessing after all. and sometimes (or way more often than that) so much more than we feel we could every carry and bear … or simply … that we sometimes don’t want to carry. because we. are. tired. and it feels like we can’t win the game no matter how hard we try to be good people with a good heart.

    so rest assured, dear dear jeni … you are held and loved and you are just right the way you are. you are enough. always.


    • my darling vee. what a message to wake up to. thank you always for your beautiful words and your love. i can feel it all the way over here. you hang in there and when you come home, i will be waiting with hot tea, cold bevvies and all the hugs you can manage.


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