here & now.

god, i hate regret.
i can spend days (weeks?) recounting and revisiting things that i should have would have could have done differently if only i’d followed my gut/trusted my instinct/had better insight.

i can talk myself in circles. i conjure up encouraging words to let myself off the hook. i try to lean into the moment of what it all was. i remind myself that without those ‘lessons’, i wouldn’t be learning and growing.
but somehow i always end up right smack at square one, wishing for my time back.
what if, but if, if only… if if if.

at the risk of sounding completely dramatic, it’s torture.

add in a sprinkle of anxiety, and you can only imagine what the end of a year looks like for me.
all those rotten decisions that were made just festering at the forefront of my brain.

what did i even DO this past year? i’m one year older and not one step ahead. everyone did better things, made better choices and ended up more happily ever after than i did.
(also, sidebar, how the heck is it already the end of 2017? i swear to god i was JUST working on all the regrets and poor choices of 2016, like, 5 minutes ago.)

aaaand, full circle.

of course none of these things are based in actual reality. it’s just good ol’ fashioned self-sabotage and self-pity talking. two of the most hideous selfs.

why do we choose to live in the past? there’s a part of me that strongly believes even if i got a do-over, the end result would most likely be the same. so, what gives? why not just let it go.

let. it. go.

LET IT GO.

let it go.

it’s amazing how we hold onto the pain of certain things. we really like to beat ourselves up for the mistakes we made. we like to push blame to others for the story of our lives. does that make us feel more profoundly? does it make us more advanced humans for future decision making?

nope. it doesn’t. it’s just as profound and evolved to stand up straight, accept the past, and move the heck on.

the thing is, i have an unbelievable gut. we all do.
i can feel things right at my core. and if i actually paid attention to said gut some of the time, i bet i could avoid most of my mishaps, well, most of the time.

but who would i be without my scars. i suppose a less-weathered version of myself. which, i’ll admit, doesn’t seem so awful. but these scars are my story.

and the beautiful thing about the calendar flipping forward is, it really is a fresh start. it’s kind of like moving to a new town and having the opportunity to reinvent yourself.

who do you truly want to be? what does your life look like? are you letting love in or are you stopping it at the door? is this the year you follow your bliss right to the top of the road? are you keen on the quiet or is it time to be part of the uproar? (trust me, i’m currently asking myself all of these questions)

i believe you can reconcile with the year gone by, simply by stepping forward and living into the year that’s right in front of you. imagine what can be found there.

you… WE get to decide.

go ahead. sit in it. feel it. accept it.

then self-help that regret shit right into oblivion.

forgive yourself. send out all of the love you’ve got. show up for your life.

fresh start.

 

looking back snow

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6 replies »

  1. Loved this. Makes us all take the time to really think about what is important and where to spend
    quality thoughts and make worthwhile memories. I love how you always make me look deep and contemplate my life and dreams. 2018- a new chapter in our book of life. xo

    Like

  2. I was just having this exact conversation today. It’s amazing what we do to ourselves with regret but also with expectations, of ourselves and of others. It’s time to put as much of that away as possible, we can’t get rid of it all I don’t think, and live for the now. Thanks for putting it out there in writing. Happy New Year

    Like

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